


I prevail

by DoeEyedButterFly



Category: Life Is Strange (Video Game)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:34:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 15,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26486509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoeEyedButterFly/pseuds/DoeEyedButterFly
Summary: Chloe sah the doe.She saw it the moment she hit it, Rachel screaming at the top of her lungs.
Relationships: Rachel Amber & Chloe Price, Rachel Amber/Chloe Price
Comments: 21
Kudos: 9





	1. The Crash I

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Stretch802](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stretch802/gifts).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chloe sah the doe.  
> She saw it the moment she hit it, Rachel screaming at the top of her lungs.

Joyce carefully cut off the end of the band-aid, applying it gently and watched Rachel carefully, who didn't flinch or move at all.  
"I still think we should take you to the hospital sweety." Joyce put the scissors back in the medicine case and held Rachel's hand briefly.  
"I'm fine," Rachel said quickly, risking a quick glance at Chloe, who was standing by the window and sniffing incessantly.  
"Really," Rachel tried to assure when Chloe didn't respond at all.  
"Oh honey" Joyce put her hand on Rachel's cheek, she looked sad, defeated, a little disappointed, but mostly very worried.  
David took turns watching both of the teenage girls. One first, then the other.  
"Someone better starts talking. NOW!"  
"David!"  
  
Joyce sighed and looked over at her daughter, who was still pressed against the wall, staring at Rachel's neck, where a thick bandage was placed now, putting pressure on an injury that hadn't been there an hour ago and at her mother, who was ready to give what she could to help and treated Rachel with the upmost care.  
  
"What happened? Chloe?"  
Chloe stared at her feet, face red and teary, not able or not willing to answer her mother.  
"Rachel?" She looked Rachel in the eyes, but the girl just looked away, briefly to Chloe, then onto her lap.  
Joyce sighed again. "Alright."  
  
David seemed to swell for a second. "Are you kidding? You're letting her off the hook? Again? And about this"  
"I am not letting her off the hook."  
"Have you _seen_ her truck?"  
"I _have_. But thank you David, for reminding me, that every member of the Price family has to have a disastrous car crash in this town."  
At these words, Chloe began to sob uncontrollably and it shook her all over.

  
  
  
He looked outside the window. Chloe's completely crashed truck was in the driveway, at display for everyone to see what happened, what she had done.  
David shook his head. These kids.  
He looked at Chloe, scanned her, head to toe. She was crying, holding on to herself, rocking back and forth, still looking at her feet.  
"What's wrong with your arm?"  
Chloe whispered something, something he couldn't hear.  
"What's wrong with your arm?", he asked, louder this time.  
"NOTHING, PISS OFF!" Chloe yelled and when everyone turned towards her and all the eyes were on her and she felt her tears burning on her face, she left the kitchen table and headed upstairs into her room, hoping she could die, before she got there.


	2. The Kiss I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chloe knew it was a mistake the moment she raised her hand, but it wasn't until she felt Rachel's warm, soft skin give way under her burning fingertips and saw her her look that she realized how big her mistake was.

"Chloe, just wait now, would you slow down for me already?"  
Rachel ran after Chloe, almost tripping over her own feet trying to keep up.  
Chloe's expression darkened with every step she took, she had almost reached her car and was rummaging in her jeans pockets for the key.  
"I have it here," Rachel said, grabbing Chloe's arm to make her stop. "You gave it to me earlier so that I could put it in my pocket, don't you remember?"  
Chloe grabbed the key from Rachel's hand and stormed towards her truck, she pulled the driver's door open and threw herself inside.  
Rachel stood at the driver's side door and held it open. She stared at Chloe.

"What the hell is going on with you? Would you calm down?"   
"What's wrong with me? With _me_? Are you kidding me Rachel?"  


"Why are you mad? It was just a little kiss damnit, we were fooling around."  
"Sure you were"  
"Chloe, you saw how it happened."  
"Oh damn straight I did, you asked him to smooch up on you."  
"Smooch? Come on Chloe, it lasted like, one second and a half or something."  
"It lasted for fucking ever."  
"Uhh, please ... I also waved Victoria over and asked her, if she wanted to bitch-slap me, I mean, how many chances does she get to do that? It was just for fun. Everyone was having a good time ... and a little, you know ... "  
"Fun ?? Is hat what you call that? Since when do you do that? In broad daylight, everyone could have seen that! What kind of shitty stuff is that anyway and who brought it?"  
"First of all, I don't think you should teach me a drug lesson, pothead. Besides, it's really no big deal, well ... it's kind of like sniffing glue, no long-term damage or anything, Nathan has tested, you really don't feel anything, you spray and you are instantly numb, it's crazy. "  
"Nathan ... of course, did he bring it, who else ?!"  
"Chloe ..."  
"He's an asshole, that fucking piece of shit."  
"Hey, come on now ..."  
"WHAT?" Chloe shouted in rage. "What do you want Rachel? Do you want Victoria or one of her stupid bitches to punch your nose bloody because that's so funny? Do you want to go back to Nathan? Do you want to sit on his lap and inhale some more solvent and see if his tongue fits completely into your mouth? "  
Rachel's face was petrified.  
"No."  
  


Chloe rammed the key into the ignition, it was a wonder it didn't break off immediately.  
  
"Chloe, I didn't even feel it, it doesn't count."  
  
"Or really? How about this? Do you feel that?"

Chloe knew it was a mistake the moment she raised her hand, but it wasn't until she felt Rachel's warm, soft skin give way under her burning fingertips and saw her look that she realized how big her mistake was.  
  
  
"What the fuck?!" screamed Rachel. "Are you insane? Have you lost your goddamn mind?"  
Chloe swallowed, but went right on. "I didn't hit you, you didn't feel anything, so it didn't happen, right? It doesn't count."  
  
Rachel glared at Chloe, Chloe glared back, the engine was running, but the world had just stopped for a moment.  
Rachel then tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and walked around Chloe's truck, she stopped on the passenger side and waited.  
Chloe hesitated, but then opened the door for her.  
Rachel got in quietly, she didn't look at Chloe for a second, she just buckled up and lowered the sun visor to look at her face. A red welt was visible where Victoria had scratched her with her nails half an hour ago, but Chloe had left no marks.  
Something told Rachel, whose brain was still foggy, though, that Nathan probably unwillingly had caused her the most damage.


	3. The Kiss II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chloe sah the doe.  
> She saw it the moment she hit it, Rachel screaming at the top of her lungs.

They raced down the street, passing houses were suddenly just strips, Chloe's foot on the accelerator, she pushed it down to the metal. Crap!  
Rachel fiddled with her earring, it jingled, usually Chloe liked to hear the noise, there was something soothing about it, especially when Rachel lay next to her at night and moved in her sleep.  
Now she wanted to tear it out of her ear and throw it out of the slightly opened car window.

"Do you feel better now?" Rachel asked, the sharpness in her voice making it very clear that she wasn't asking out of concern, not even rhetorically, it sounded more like a warning.  
"Better ?! You want to know if I'm feeling better?"  
"I can't believe you just did that." Rachel stroked her cheek, she still felt no pain on her face, but Chloe's reaction had her surprised, not to say, totally shocked.  
"You totally embarrassed me, in front of everyone, in front of my friends, like what the fuck, Chloe?!"

"Your friends? Are you kidding?" Chloe growled, she found it difficult to control herself, didn't really try too hard.

"You have great friends Rachel, friends who are trying to poison you and knock you out. How stupid you are to do that in the park, the cops are so often in that part of this fucking town."

"I don't want to talk about it anymore. You don't have to tell me anything, especially not when it comes to intoxicants."

Chloe honked angrily, why did they all have to sneak around this town like that? Her face screwed up angrily.  
Sometimes she would like to shake Rachel. Not the good kind of shaking. But she never would. Obviously.  
  


"What are you doing?" Rachel asked suddenly. "You're going in the wrong direction."  
"Blackwell."  
"What why?"  
"I'll take you to your dorm room, you better spend the night there."

Rachel stared at Chloe for a few seconds, then she blushed and began to scream, "Would you stop? I said I was going to spend the evening with you so I will."  
"That wouldn't be fun, Rachel, because I don't sniff glue, I just do boring shit like putting together playlists and smoking weed while watching TV. I really don't feel like a wrestling match with you tonight either."

"Chloe, you're tripping. Now stop acting like a big baby and turn around, we'll go to you."

Chloe drove straight ahead, she didn't even think about turning around, she didn't even think about doing what Rachel wanted, but then she realized something. It was Friday night, the sun was about to set completely, if she didn't see Rachel over the weekend and didn't spend time with her ... if she were going to drive Rachel back to Blackwell then all the idiots she was mad at were also there.  
Cursing at this knowledge, Chloe turned around in the middle of the street, a horn concert accompanied her.  
"Oh fuck you", she shouted from the open window and showed the middle finger to everyone who didn't want to see it.

Rachel smiled a little smugly as Chloe raced toward Cedar Ave.

"I knew it", she laughed and her lightheartedness, her arrogance almost drove Chloe freaking crazy.  
She stared at Rachel as if she was seeing her for the first time.  
"Hey, keep your eyes on the road Chloe"  
Chloe's jaw dropped, she continued to stare, could hardly believe it.

"All of this is a huge joke to you, isn't it? I'm dumb, you play me as a fool and now you're sitting there laughing in my face, what the fuck Rachel!"

Rachel stopped instantly, she felst her blood boiling on the inside again, Chloe was still Chloe right now, just a very bad, terrible version of Chloe, stubborn and jealous and a bit pathetic.  
God, she wanted to slap her sometimes too, a moment she considered it, maybe she should do what was done to her earlier, but, well... Chloe would feel it, all of her wrath.  
All right, she would try, she would make a last tiny attempt. She would meet Chloe halfway, pick her up where she was like she did so many times before.

Rachel put her hand on Chloe's arm, but Chloe pulled away.

Rachel spoke to her as gently as possible.  
"What bothers you so much? What?"

Chloe looked at Rachel.  
She wasn't entirely sure if the question was serious.  
She had to know. Didin't she know?  
  


"Hey, keep your eyes on the street. Look, it was just a little kiss Chloe. Nothing more. Nothing less."

There it was again ... again. Chloe gritted her teeth, maybe they shouldn't be together for the weekend.

"Chloe, you've kissed people before, what's the fucking difference?"

"That was before I met you. You did this today and in front of my eyes, what does that say about you?"

"I was a virgin before you met me. What does that say about you?"

"Pff, please."  
  
"What?"  
  
I bet that's just another lie."

"Excuse me?!"

Chloe heard her own words and choked on them and did not want to say them, but they painfully pushed out of the dark of her soul, crawled into her mouth with one goal and one goal only, to expose her feelings, expose herself, by stabbing, stabbing with words, words that accuse and hurt. Stab, stab, stab and she didn't believe herself, but there was no way to stop her, no mercy, stab, stab, stab.

"I've never lied to you before, how dare you ?!" Again it wasn't a question, Rachel was so angry she almost spat.  
  


Chloe gave a sneering laugh as the car accelerated, they were almost there, just a small stretch of forest with a wide road in between.  
  


"How dare I ?! Really? You really want to know that?  
  
Oh Rachel, I don't give a shit about you and Victoria, as far as I'm concerned you can knock each other's teeth out every day of the week and polish your faces just for fun, but Nathan? For fuck's sake, you know he wants you. You know very well that he's been after you for forever now, that he wants things from you and wants things... _with_ you ... "

"Oh please, a lot of people want to, that means nothing. He's just a friend and you know it."

"Sure, in your dreams maybe, but in his wet dreams he is a friend with his tongue in your mouth and his hand in your panties."

"Oh my God! Please excuse me very much, I wasn't aware, I had to ask you for your approval. Having a friend that also wants to screw me, hmm.... feels familiar. Wait a minute, isn't that what you do?"  
  
"What the fuck are you saying there?!"  
  
"I am so sorry Chloe, I didn't know, I am your wife!!! And keep your eyes on the fucking road!!!"

"Oh hell no Rachel, you have to excuse _me_ , I didn't know your pussy was a tourist attraction. 'It's fine NaThAn, yOu cAN cOmE iN, IT'S ALWAYS OPEN!!!!!!!!!" 

The world exploded.  
"Pullover!" Rachel tore at her seat belt. He hit the sides of her seat with a clang and she was already pulling at the passenger door.  
Chloe still furious and speeding, just shook her head.  
"Don't be an idiot, we're almost there."  
"Pull over NOW !!!" Rachel yelled and when Chloe didn't, she grabbed the steering wheel and jerked it around.  
The truck pulled out and Chloe almost pissed her pants, screaming in panic and pushing Rachel back to her side.  
"Are you completely crazy?" Chloe asked, gasping for air and breaking into a cold sweat, the two wrestled.  
"I'm not sitting with you in the car for a second longer, let me out, I'll walk the rest!"  
"No!"

Chloe pushed the accelerator all the way down again, she could see her house in the distance, it looked small and insignificant through the veil of anger in front of her eyes, she turned to Rachel, who was still on the verge of getting out of the moving car jump and said provocatively to her "Where are you going? Back to him? Do you want to snog another round?"  
Rachel, her face contorted with red anger, looked at Chloe.  
"You know what? YES! I'd like to spend every free second with him. Everything is better than dealing with your bullshit right now!  
Of course I want to get back to him Chloe, that was my plan the whole time, it's all a big conspiracy against you, you stupid bitch!  
What do you think we're going to do while you're not there? I've saved my best for later. I can't wait! "  
  


Chloe let go of the steering wheel and stared at Rachel with her mouth open, her face changing from red to white to almost greenish and then back to red again.  
Her jaw trembled, she hissed through tightly clenched teeth. "You're dead Amber, you're both fucked up."  
"Chloe!"  
"That's it, I am so done with you!"  
"CHLOE!"  
"I'll kill you both, first him and then you and then mysel-"  
"CHLOEEEEEEEE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  


Chloe saw the doe.  
She saw it the moment she hit it, Rachel screaming at the top of her lungs.


	4. The Crash II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chloe knew it was a mistake the moment she raised her hand, but it wasn't until she felt Rachel's warm, soft skin give way under her burning fingertips and saw her her look that she realized how big her mistake was.

In the bathroom, Chloe and Rachel brushed their teeth in silence, standing next to each other.  
Rachel's electric toothbrush buzzed, it sounded loud like a plane taking off between all the words they didn't say to each other and hadn't said since entering the house an hour ago.  
Rachel supported by Joyce, Chloe completely devastated and with his head bowed, David, who had kept an eye on them all, last.

Rachel wanted to immediately follow Chloe after the band-aid was placed , who had dragged herself up the stairs, reached the top, took off her clothes off and just left them on the floor and then disappeared, but Joyce had stopped Rachel.

Once more, this time in a whisper and turned a little to the side so that David couldn't see her, she tried to question Rachel, hoping she would tell her more, perhaps open up to her, confide in her and above all to tell her what went through her daughter's mind.

Joyce Madsen only knew for sure that Chloe didn't have anything to drink before getting behind a wheel, she knew her daughter and pretty much expected nothing and everything from her, but this-   
Rachel couldn't, she still couldn't get a word out and so Joyce finally gave up and after saying again that she'd rather let Rachel's parents know, and Rachel pleasding not to, Joyce released her arm and let her go.

Rachel looked straight ahead in the mirror, she wanted to take Chloe's hand, but Chloe just stood there, stared straight ahead, mechanically brushing her teeth, applying too much pressure and trembling all over.  
Then Rachel heard muffled voices coming from below and curiosity drove her, she had heard her last name. She still avoided Chloe's gaze and then she spat, rinsed her mouth and crept quietly out into the hallway and the banister.  
  
Blond hair, tamed by a light blue clip, Joyce was standing right next to the phone.  
Rachel could see Joyce hesitating and David squeezing her shoulder gently before holding a small booklet out to her.  
Joyce looked unsure, but in the end she picked up the phone and dialed the number from the page.  
  


"Hello, this is Joyce, Chloe's mother, I know it's quite late and I promise to not bother you for long, it's just... well your daughter Rachel, she is at our house and - hello? Um hello ?. ... It was hung up. "

David snorted. "Try it again."

Rachel's hand shook as she grabbed hold of the top banister.  
She listened through clenched teeth, lips pressed together.

Joyce dialed again.  
"Oh hello, I think we just got interrupted. This is Joyce, listen, you don't have to worry about Rachel, I just wanted to let you know that your daughter and mine had a ... well, little accident tonight and Rachel is a little worn out and ... hello ?! I don't think so! "

"There you have it! The Ambers are at least convincing.  
If their spoiled little brat messes up, they're tough! "  
David took the phone from Joyce and hung up.  
Joyce put her forehead on his cheek. "I don't like that. She's hurt, her parents need to know."

Rachel let go of the banister as she turned away, she saw Chloe watching her from the bathroom door watching her mother and stepfather.

Without a word, Chloe disappeared back and closed the door, Rachel did the same in Chloe's room, she lay down, looked at the ceiling, her face burned, the effect of the spray was now wearing off, Rachel closed her eyes and decided not think about anything. With little success ...

Chloe finally stopped brushing her teeth.   
She stuffed her toothbrush into the appropriate cup three times, because two times it failed.

She stared at herself in the mirror.  
The pain in her arm got worse, she pushed it aside.  
Rachel's smell had just been there, next to her, familiar, now it was gone.  
Chloe choked. Strong.

Then she sucked the collected saliva and toothpaste into her mouth and spat in the face of her reflection in the mirror.

She stood panting, disgusted and overwhelmed with shame and guilt.

"I hate you, I hate you so much."

"Chloe please",Rachel whispered. It was the middle of the night, the two of them had been lying next to each other and not saying a word, Rachel was on her back, Chloe was on her side, on her left arm with her eyes closed.

It was very quiet in the house.   
Then Chloe started crying again.

"Chloe," Rachel whispered again when she didn't respond.   
"You've been crying for hours now. Please have a sip, you'll get dehydrated." Rachel handed her a bottle of water that she had discovered on the floor next to her, but Chloe didn't take it, she just sobbed dryly.   
Rachel dropped the bottle where it rolled under the bed with a thud.

Then she straightened up, switched on the fairy lights, and stepped down over Chloe and the other side.  
Their faces were level now.  
Rachel's nose was only inches from Chloe's eyelashes, where she could see every single tear glistening.

"I screwed up. I'm sorry. I'm done.  
I'm done making excuses for myself. I promise.  
I fucked up and ... and I don't know what to say.  
I ... I didn't think it would be that big of a ... fuck this. I ... I'm sorry Chloe.  
I am sorry, I didn't take your feelings into consideration and I am sorry, I am causing you this much trouble and I'm sorry about your truck and ... and ... uh. "  
Rachel hung her head.  
She got up slowly and then just stood there, undecided.

When Chloe still didn't respond, she lay back on the other side of the bed, next to her.

"I don't know how to get into my dormroom, it's already after curfew. I can't go home either, you heard it. I don't have my phone, that means nobody can pick me up ... but .. . well, I'll get dressed and then sleep downstairs on the sofa if you don't want me next to you. I'll walk back to school in the early morning. "  
With that, Rachel turned off the light again.

There was absolute silence for two seconds, then Chloe heard Rachel move in the bed next to her in the dark.  
"Okay, bye then." Rachel sat up and swung her feet off the bed.

Chloe's voice croaked, but she forced herself to speak.

"No, wait, don't go."  
"Chloe ..."  
"I almost lost you today, again."  
"No, I'm okay."  
"I hurt you." Chloe sobbed.  
"No, I'm fine, honestly. It's nothing."  
"You flew through my windshield."  
"Yes. I shouldn't have unbuckled myself. That was stupid of me."  
"I drove, I was responsible."  
"I distracted you Chloe."  
"I was too mad, I wasn't looking properly, I didn't mean- I ... that stupid deer."  
"Chloe, please stop now, it's okay. It happened, we can't help it, I'm fine."  
"You passed out and you threw up later."  
"But I'm okay now. I promise. You don't have to worry."

Chloe rolled onto her back and looked at Rachel.  
"You have wounds because of me. You are in pain because of me."  
"No." Rachel shook her head vehemently.

"Chloe, please look at me. I'm fine, yes something happened but ... but I'm okay now."

Chloe sobbed again.  
"I screamed that I was going to kill you, I- I wanted to hurt you."  
"Chloe ... no, you didn't mean to, you were just angry."

"Nathan would have been the last person who kissed you."  
"I said I was sorry Chloe."  
"I don't give a shit. You can kiss anyone in the whole world as long as you're there, alive."

"Chloe ..."  
"My last words to you before you passed out were that I was going to kill you."  
It shook Chloe all over and she rocked back and forth and couldn't calm down.

Rachel was crying now too.  
"But- but ... I'm here. I'm here with you. I ... I-" but she couldn't think of what to say, she lay down on Chloe and cried into her shirt and Chloe cried in Rachel's hair.

"You were right Rachel, I'm pathetic and I'm a selfish bitch."  
Rachel caressed Chloe, comforting, gently. When she ran her fingers over Chloe's shoulder, she winced.

"Chloe? Why is your arm broken?"  
"What?"  
"Your right arm. It's broken. Why is that?"  
"Uh ..."  
"You held me, you tried to protect me and to push me back into the seat."  
"I wasn't strong enough, not fast enough ..."  
"You saved me, again. You knew you would get hurt and you still thought of me and not of yourself. That doesn't sound like a selfish bitch to me."

"I don't want to lose you. I want, I-"  
"I know," said Rachel. "Can we sleep now?"

"No," said Chloe curtly.  
I know I'm a mess, but I have to do this " and she kissed Rachel like she had never kissed her before, like it was the first time, like it was the last time, like every time in between and them some. 


	5. The Rain I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ... for a moment she wondered how they felt when they hit the ground below and then burst into a million small particles

"Hey, thanks for giving me a ride," said Chloe finally after sitting next to Steph without speaking for almost half an hour.  
  
The rain was pounding hard on the roof of the car and for some reason Steph Gingrich kept silent but left the car radio on. Chloe just shuddered a little, partly because her musical tastes couldn't be more different, and partly because she was dressed too lightly.  
  
Steph smiled slightly.  
"Sure, just give me a call, then I'll pick you up and bring you back."  
"No, it's okay ... I ... to be honest, that would be really awesome, I could walk, but it's a bit far."  
"It's very far, Chloe," grinned Steph.  
"It's hella far" Chloe laughed and then fell silent.  
  


A little word. A very significant little word. The best word.  
A word she missed.  
Chloe scratched her neck and Steph slid uncomfortably forward in her seat.

"Listen, have you ever thought of ... well ... talking to someone?"  
"Talking to someone?" Chloe asked, the sarcasm wavering in her voice. "Sure... because that's my greatest strength."  
"I meant with a professional. About your feelings, about what happened."  
"Steph!"  
"Okay... nevermind."  
  
Chloe looked out into the rain, she couldn't see any more individual drops, only lines like threads, for a moment she wondered how they felt when they hit the ground below and then burst into a million small particles.  
_'I don't want you to fall'_

She thought of Rachel, how they had danced in the rain, how the drops had slipped down through her wet hair, she thought of Rachel's eyes and the raindrops that had glistened in her long eyelashes, she thought of Rachel's lips, which in spite of the cold rain were warm, almost hot, glowing on Chloe's face, like a mighty fire, she thought of Rachel's beautiful hands that held hers, that touched her gently, mostly when no one else was looking.

And then she saw Rachel on the wet, soggy earth, it hadn't rained that afternoon, not even later that evening, but the images were now mixed together.

Chloe yelled her name over and over, pleading for her to answer, but Rachel didn't.  
Chloe had run around her truck several times, circled it as if she were a planet, prayed silently that Rachel shouldn't lie underneath it, which she didn't, but where was she then?  
  
  


And then Chloe found her, motionless, liveless, her beautiful eyelashes closed, her lips white as a ghost, cold, blood running down her neck from a wound, her head tilted back, and her beautiful hands... reaching.  
Reaching for something, _someone_ , she could hold on to.  
Reaching for Chloe, to save her.  
And Chloe had failed to do so.

"Maybe you should write it down," Steph interrupted her thoughts.  
"What?" Chloe had stopped listening.  
"Write it down, your feelings, your thoughts."  
"Oh," Chloe sighed. "I don't know ... I don't think that's my thing."  
"You don't have to show it to anyone." Steph darted over and pulled open the glove box.  
She showed Chloe a nicely decorated journal.  
She flipped through the pages so quickly that Chloe couldn't see what was written there, but it said a lot.

"I have another one. Here. She handed her an empty purple journal. "Steph G." was written on top, nothing else.

Chloe took it without saying thank you.

"Call me okay?"  
Chloe nodded. She wasn't going to call Steph that night, or the next. She put the journal in her drawer when she got home at 5 a.m.

It was still raining in her head.  
But it was storming in her heart.


	6. The Journal I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I think God is too busy loving some of us more, so he doesn't have enough time to love the rest of us enough.  
> If there were God of course.

_I wonder if God would laugh at me if he knew my dreams._  
_If he only knew what strange fantasies and desires I have._  
_I wonder if God would find it ridiculous that my greatest wish would be to leave this small town and move to a metropolis with murder and manslaughter and drug deals on every corner._  
_I wonder if God wouldn't shake his head, given the fact that I keep wondering how warm it is under Rachel's breasts, whether she just got back from exercising and sweatting or if she took a cold shower (that's supposed to be so great for the circulation) and she's slowly warming up again and then she grins when I slide my hand under her bra in this place._

_If there was God ..._

  
_Rachel says God loves me, God loves us all equally._  
_Obviously she has never had the phone or the power in her house turned off because she didn't pay the bill and while many of her clothes are torn, no one would dare to make fun of her looks._  
_Not that I ever wish that upon her. I am not that big of an asshole.  
  
  
I think she needs that. She needs there to be a god.  
She believs in signs and destinies and spirits and all that shit, everything has a meaning and a purpose and what not.  
  
For that matter, she's just like Frank._

_ At the end of last month we went to see him and bought party supplies. Because he was in a good mood, we stayed a little longer and chilled together and then suddenly the guy starts singing. SINGING, bro I had no idea the dude had a musical bone in his body. a hymn too. I thought I was going nuts, but then Rachel got in as well.  
The two of them sang this centuries-old song and then he looked at her so weirdly again.The two of them sang this centuries-old song and then he looked at her so weirdly again. Just like he always does and claims he doesn't._

_Rachel called me a week ago and said she wasn't going to be spending Christmas with Sera in California, she didn't say why, even when I asked her several times._  
_I asked her if everything was okay and she said yes, but when I skateboarded all the way from here to school to pick her up, she wasn't there._  
_Someone told me she called in sick but she wasn't in her dorm room._

_Then yesterday I saw her sitting by the bay, she had one of Frank's dogs with her, the uglier one that she thinks is so cute._  
_She threw stones into the water and talked and cried with the dog and I just wanted to sit next to her and wait until she leaned her head on my shoulder but then I realized that that she hadn't done that since the accident._  
_And she probably wouldn't have done it anyway because she was completely wasted._  
_I understand. I fucking do. How many times have I gone to Frank to get drunk in company? To drown myself in the distillation of his homemade schnapps or the artificial sweetness of his cheap alcopops?_

_But I'm angry that Frank left her alone by the water in this state, he should have taken better care of her, he should have called me to pick her up._  
_And I'm sad that Rachel couldn't tell me what was going on. She looked so small sitting there, staring at something in the distance. Or maybe I just feel guilty. Maybe I'm terrible. I have to call her. Right now._

_ I think God is too busy loving some of us more, so he doesn't have enough time to love the rest of us enough.  
If there were God of course._

_ I wish God would love Rachel a little more, then it wouldn't matter that he doesn't love me, because he definitely doesn't love me, otherwise he would always stop hurting the people I love most. _

'This is stupid.  
The last time I did this, at least at the beginning I thought that I would send these pages to Max someday,' thought Chloe and scribbled on the journal cover that Steph had given her three and a half weeks ago, before hiding it under her bed and looking for her phone.


	7. The Mill I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chloe took a few steps away... (...) from questions she didn't want to answer.

Chloe flicked the rest of her smoldering cigarette and trotted slowly back to the entrance.  
Rachel had wanted to come here ever since the burnt mill had been restored.  
Instead of a demolished meeting place for shady characters, Chloe was now on the doorstep of the new Arcadia Bay youth center.

She still had Rachel's voice in her head.  
"We need a new beginning." But the brightly colored walls and the feel-good graffiti gave Chloe a slight stomachache.

She pulled her cell phone out of her pocket to check if Rachel had called her and grinned, her message history still open.  
"I mean he's my cousin, it would be a favor."

'An expensive favor,' thought Chloe and put her cell phone away.  
"Hey", she greeted Steph, who was scrubbing glasses behind the counter and at the same time putting away other dishes.

"There you are."  
"Yep, here I am."  
"Have you thought about it?"  
"Uh yeah, I have... it's just ... uh ... I don't know how I ... well, the three hundred dollars ..."  
"Oh. Hey, it's okay. I'll talk to my cousin again, he always has a bit of work to do, maybe you can help him out at times, he would definitely give you something for it, you know, like cash, on the hand, no questions asked. "  
Chloe rubbed the back of her neck, unsure.  
"Yeah, maybe."

Steph took a tea towel and started polishing the clean glasses.  
"We have events here too lately, we're still trying to figure things out you know. Maybe you want to help out. There's always a little bit of money in there."  
"Uhm, yes, okay, I might actually do that. Do you think they'll take me here?"  
"Oh come on Chloe, you mean because of your blue hair and patched jeans? This is a youth center, you fit in here well."

Steph looked at Chloe suspiciously for a moment.  
"We also have a new LGBTQ and Friends group, we're still looking for a leader."  
"Yeah ... I don't think so."

Steph slung the tea towel over her shoulder and began to wipe the bar thoroughly. She looked around, but the next youngsters laughing and chatting were in the room next door. Out of respect for Chloe, she lowered her voice anyway as she leaned over to her.

"Speaking of LGBTQ and friends ..." Steph hesitaded. "What... what about you and Rachel?"  
Chloe winced. That question...  
"Are you two together now or not or yes today and no tomorrow or-"  
  
Chloe's phone vibrated.  
Rachel was calling.  
Chloe shrugged as an excuse and took a few steps away, away from Steph and away from questions she didn't want to answer. She did want to answer this call though.


	8. The Journal II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For a moment Rachel looked like she was going to go home, but where is that supposed to be?

_Last night Rachel climbed into my room through the window. I don't even know how she got it open because I'm sure I closed it._  
_She was quiet like a ninja but I woke up when I felt the cold breeze._

_She left the window open only a tiny crack and then undressed without a word and came to my bed in her underwear. She covered herself with my blanket, trembling, and I lay there and looked at her in the dark as she lay there, trembling and with her soaking wet hair._  
_When she didn't say anything, I just didn't say anything and went back to sleep._

_I dreamed weird shit._  
_A fly nested in my ear and I knew all along that it was in there and that it was putting its fly eggs in my ear, but I just let it go on without saying anything._  
_When my ear was full of flies and she laughed at me and asked why I allowed that, I said to her that I just wanted them all to be safe and have a nice warm home._  
_I think I am really on the verge of madness._  
_I still didn't wake up from this bullshit, but from Rachel sitting on top of me, no longer shaking but she had pushed up my shirt and felt around my stomach and chest so strangely in small circles._  
_When I asked her, half asleep, what the fuck she was doing, she actually said to me that she was checking whether I had swollen lymph nodes.  
I asked her if she was drunk and she said no, but rather that her grandmother died a few days ago, she had cancer, they discovered it too late, but she was also old. Still sucks._  
_Rachel wasn't such a good granddaughter, she didn't visit her grandma often. I don't know, she didn't talk much about her.  
Guess she was still a better granddaughter than I am._

_Last night I felt sorry for her, now I find myself being an asshole again and wondering whether she will inherit something, whether it will be enough for a small apartment or a motel room or something. Something where we can stay for now._

_  
  
Rachel pushed my shirt back down and said we should stop smoking. I just said "okay" and then she cried for half an hour and I just held her.  
  
_

_Then she got up, went to my jacket and pulled out my last pack of cigarettes, I thought she was going to throw them out the window but she lit a cigarette and stared out into the night._  
_I think it's going to snow soon, it's shitty cold outside._  
_For a moment Rachel looked like she was going to go home, but where is that supposed to be?_  
_She's not talking to her parents right now and her mom, well, she'd rather not see her daughter at Christmas for reasons I don't understand._

  
_Sometimes I want Rachel to feel at home here and then I remember that this is bullshit. I'm not at home here either._  
_I think I want to be HER home. Maybe that's what it is._

_If I'm her HOME, then it doesn't matter where we are or what we do and also that the world is fucked up and sucks._  
_I feel at home when I'm sitting on top of an an old car with Rachel, in the junkyard and we're looking at the sky or at the train tracks._

_When Rachel lays her head on my shoulder like she did last night, it doesn't matter where we are, because then I'm her home._

_Rachel next to me in my bed put her head on my shoulder last night and said, "tell me a story Chloe" and I was thinking and I couldn't think of anything, then instead she wanted me to sing something to her, so of course I told her "not a chance "._  
_And then I did remember something._

  
_I told Rachel how my father bought two cheap guitars at the flea market._  
_He had this idea of teaching Max and me to play the guitar and that's exactly what I wanted._  
_Whenever she was around, we would sit on the floor in front of the fireplace and listen to Dad._  
_He showed us how to play and bought a device with which we could tune our guitars and also new strings and I made progress pretty quickly but Max somehow couldn't keep up, she always looked at me with those big sad blue eyes, because I was much faster and better than her. And then, when Dad was just about to start practicing the first real songs with us, I fell off my skateboard one afternoon and broke my wrist twice._

_I was so angry, not because I was injured, but because I really wanted to play, instead my guitar was starting to gather dust on the top of the shelf, not being used but Max brought hers over with her, everytime she was here, she played anything for me, just to cheer me up, anything, until she could do better and because she no longer had to compete against me, and no longer had to compare herself to me and could learn and play at her own pace, it worked out better._  
_I was so proud of her that I never touched my guitar again. I don't even know if I still have it._  
_I never told Dad why I suddenly didn't "want" to learn anymore, but I think he knew._

  
_Rachel looked at me for a long time, then she said to me, "So you've always been like this."_  
_"Like what?" I asked her and Rachel looked at me again as if I was a bit crazy and then said "Well, an asshole."_

_And then we both laughed, we laughed so much that David came over and pounded on the door until I told him to fuck off and when he wanted to come in I told him we were both naked and then he left and Rachel laughed even louder._  
_God i love this girl so much. I missed this._  
  
  
_Okay, she has just turned on the other side, I think she's about to wake up._  
_I really have to see if I have the guitar lying around here somewhere._


	9. The Rain II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chloe's anger draped her disappointment like a veil. She had trusted Steph, she had believed, if only for a split second, that they were both friends and that Steph was interested in helping her. That she would somehow ... help Chloe and Rachel.

Angry, exhausted and tired, Chloe stomped through the high puddles and splashed mud everywhere, her boots looked worse than ever and her hand ached from getting stuck in her hood. She didn't know how exactly she had done it, but she cursed inwardly, her scream beforehand had scared away one or two birds.

She had been happy to be able to work on the truck in peace, but the brakes still gave her stomach ache and she couldn't get on with repairing them.  
She had assisted Steph's cousin a few times and he had promised her in return that he would help her out with stolen car parts and help repair her own truck.  
After this morning, however, she didn't feel like turning to him and asking for his help.  
Chloe grinded her teeth.

Her woolen beanie was soaked and raindrops slid down her hair and ran down her forehead but she didn't notice it at all.  
  
With a quick movement she tore the large sheet metal that covered the entrance to the side and sank down on the pillows, her eyes, blind with anger, fixed on the words "fuck you, yes you".  
She laughed grimly and thought "yeah, that fits."  
Rain and wind mixed with her gloomy thoughts and then it flashed brightly. Not too far away she heard a loud rumble of thunder like a thump and it immediately reminded her of how Steph had slammed the glass on the counter with anger and Chloe immediately wanted to vomit and at the same time punch a huge hole into the massive brick wall of the junk shack.

"It's not my job to run after you and ask your permission."  
"That is not what I said!"  
"It's my senior year at school, I asked her and she said yes and that's the end of this discussion."

Chloe's anger draped her disappointment like a veil. She had trusted Steph, she had believed, if only for a split second, that they were both friends and that Steph was interested in helping her. That she would somehow ... help Chloe and Rachel.

For a moment Chloe had just stood there like a total idiot, not knowing what to do next, if this had been a western movie, she would have dragged her over the counter and beaten her until Steph saw nothing but stars , but the thought that she had completely misjudged Steph and that Steph had remained so calm while Chloe had just yelled at her for minutes, and that was still nothing against the dark thoughts and feelings that crept into Chloe when she thought about meeting Rachel later that day and that _this_ was now between them.  
  
Stephanie Fucking Gingrich had asked Rachel Dawn Amber to come to the Christmas ball at Blackwell. As her... date.   
She hadn't asked Rachel for help with the preparations, she had asked her, because she liked her. She had asked her, because she wanted to be with her. Together. At least that night.  
Christmas party ball at Blackwell.

Her stomach cramped and began to hurt, Steph avoided her gaze, she pretended to be cleaning up behind the counter, but Chloe saw how she kept pushing the same pile of dirty dishes from one place to another.

Chloe swallowed hard.  
Steph had always liked Rachel, even when Chloe didn't even know about Rachel's existence, but it was Rachel who said "yes" ... and she didn't even bother to tell her.

Chloe sucked her fingers angrily. She looked at her bleeding and bruised hand and for a second she thought how stupid Rachel would look if she lost her hand, which she might have to replace, maybe with a hook, like a pirate. Captain Bluebeard. "Arrrr"  
Chloe laughed and for a brief moment forgot to be angry, disappointed and hurt and to feel betrayed and in that second Rachel walked into the junk shack and flashed her the brightest of smiles.


	10. The Journal III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "A strip of bare skin" will be the name of my first album that I will never produce. (...)

_I screwed up! Again._   
_Rachel hates me. Because I'm an idiot._

_It's sixteen past eleven now and I keep wondering if I should call her again._

_"A strip of bare skin" will be the name of my first album that I will never produce._

_It was a fucking misunderstanding!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

  
_Rachel beamed at me and asked me what's going on and I didn't want to say it right away, but she probably thought she was distracting me and started talking about Frank and that he had a new motorcycle and I asked her where she got that info from and then she said he had taken her on a little tour and then dropped her off at the junkyard and that's why she was so late._   
_I just fucking finished repairing the truck, well, almost - I wanted to take her with me, I wanted to drive her around. I wanted her to grin like that because of **me**._   
_But Frank got ahead of me.  
So did Steph._

_And I wanted to tell Rachel that she should piss off, that I didn't want to see her anymore, but then she stood there and took off her wet jacket and smiled at me and asked if everything was okay and I just glanzed at her red cheeks and her hair tousled by the wind and the way her shirt slipped off her shoulder, there was that one strip of bare skin._   
_God I wanted to kiss that,so... I did._

_But it was less of a kiss, it was more like ... an attack._

_I hadn't thought about it. I just buried my teeth in there and then I somehow pressed Rachel against our grafitti wall and pulled the pretty shirt off her shoulder and in the process I tore it completely._   
_I kissed her until she ran out of breath, I don't know, I was so angry, I wanted to yell at her and my brain told me to confront her, but my body wanted to kiss her... like, everywhere, at the same time and ... boy, I did that too.  
_   
_Her skin was freezing but I felt an electrical tingling sensation and Rachel shivered and my lips burned when I licked her._   
_I don't want to write that because I'm embarrassed, because it shouldn't have happened that way, but I couldn't help it and Rachel liked it._   
_She was in front of me, she was with me, she was so close to me, she was mine, I didn't want anyone else in between._   
_She was wet anyways and when I put my fingers in her panties, Rachel gasped and moaned and then somehow I couldn't stop and Rachel pressed against me and clutched me so much that I think she wanted it that way also.  
_   
_I didn't want to think about her spending time with Frank and certainly not her spending time with Steph, who has a lot more experience with girls than me, who is out and proud and makes money and has responsibility... But I have the experience with Rachel and so it kind of happened._

  
_But then I couldn't keep my big mouth shut._   
_When Rachel picked up the rags that used to be her shirt from the floor and put it on, she wanted to know what got into me and why I was so strange to her, and then I confronted her._   
_Or rather, she asked me what I was actually thinking and said she wasn't going through the whole jealousy theater again._   
_And then, then she showed me a picture._   
_She had let herself be driven into town to buy an outfit for me, for the Christmas ball, but then she changed her mind at the last second to show it to me first in case I didn't like it and took a pic instead._

_It was a fucking misunderstanding. Steph actually asked Rachel if they would go to the Christmas ball together, yes, but it was probably planned from the start that the three of us would go. As a trio._   
_Steph didn't want to ruin the surprise and Rachel wanted to teach me gently and that's what came out of it._

_I'll apologize to Steph tomorrow when they do that karaoke night in the old mill._   
_That doesn't change the fact that Rachel is angry with me, doesn't want to speak to anyone and doesn't answer my messages at the moment._

_Crap. I really am an asshole._

_On a different note:  
I pl_ _ayed "Wonderwall" for the first time on the guitar for the first time without any mistakes but ... well, anyone can do this song. I think I'll try another one, maybe I'll go through my playlist, I wanted to burn Rachel a new CD anyway._

  
_Better call her before I go to bed. I'm so screwed._


	11. The Dorm Room I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (...) Rachel took another drag of Chloe's cigarette, then handed it back to her, got up and pulled her curtains, glanzing at the moon shining down on her.

"Uuh," Rachel made, grimacing in pain. "It kind of hurts more than I thought."  
Chloe looked up at her in concern for a moment. "Want me to stop?",  
Rachel shook her head and moved a little closer, then tried to keep still.  
Chloe carefully tightened the skin on Rachel's wrist and put the needle back on, she pricked one tiny point after the other, bent over Rachel's arm so concentrated that her nose almost touched the ink.  
Line after line, one connected to the other, she was going to get this right, even if it was the last thing she ever did.

Twenty minutes later she put rubbing alcohol over Rachel's wrist, who groaned in pain, and when Chloe gently but with determination applied Vaseline to Rachel's fresh wound, Rachel began shaking a little.  
Chloe wrapped a large amount of foil around the area, then quickly tore off her gloves and simply dropped them on the floor.  
Then she pressed Rachel against herself, put a hand in der neck and kissed her, long and with passion. While she let her warm tongue slide into Rachel's mouth, she felt how the girl slowly relaxed.

  
"Your mom is going to kill me," said Chloe, yawning whole heartily, as she pulled her hand out of Rachel's jeans shorts forty minutes later. She placed it lightly on Rachel's stomach under her shirt.  
"Why didn't you tell me you're gonna see her tomorrow? I literally could have given you that tattoo any other day. How are you going to hide that from Rose?"  
Rachel's arms had been on her head rest, a soft pillow that cost more than Chloe's entire wardrobe. She hadn't moved them, just like the good girl she was, following Chloe's instructions. The good girl with the badass dotted star on her wrist. She smiled slightly.  
"It's Christmas, Chloe. Of course I'm going to church with my mom. I'm glad we're going to spend some time together at last, also it's cold, don't worry, I'll put on a long-sleeved dress and that's that."  
"Does it still hurt a lot?" Chloe asked, gently lifting Rachel's arm from the pillow closer to her face.  
"No," Rachel lied, and then she smiled a little more when she saw Chloe's look and said, exaggeratedly acting, "Oh yes, it's incredible pain, I can hardly bear it."  
Chloe grinned and slipped her hand back into Rachel's shorts. "In this case I have just the right thing to help you," Chloe murmured in her ear and when Rachel moaned this time, it wasn't because anything was hurting her.  
  


Music that was playing two rooms down the hall penetrated the walls to both of them as they were still on the bed, Rachel took another drag of Chloe's cigarette, then handed it back to her, got up and pulled her curtains, glanzing at the moon shining down on her.  
  


"Hey! No, no, no," Rachel said as Chloe took off her shoes and stretched her legs on the bed.  
"Please," Chloe muttered, snuggling into Rachel's thick blanket.  
"You can't sleep here tonight Chloe."  
"Mmmh, I'm not going to do that."  
"I have to get up early, don't forget my mom's gonna pick me up in the morning."  
"I'll just rest, then I'll be gone."  
"And besides, we're going to see Steph."  
"Mhh?"  
"Did you forget? She has to work! On Christmas."  
"Yeah right, I remember we talked about it."  
"Well then, come on now, get up", Rachel grabbed Chloe under the armpits and wanted to heave her up, but Chloe let herself fall theatrically and wailed "So you just wanted my body?"  
"Shhhh!" Rachel said and put a hand on Chloe's mouth. "Are you crazy?"

"What," Chloe mumbled, "I'll just close my eyes for a moment, I've earned it after I-"  
"Sssh!" Rachel made and put a hand on Chloe's mouth, she stared over at the door, where she had heard a noise.  
Someone stood there and listened.  
  


Rachel crept very quietly to the door and put her ear against it, but she heard nothing. Through the crack in the door she saw a shadow moving away.  
Whoever it was had heard enough ... and maybe ... seen too?  
"What's going on?" asked Chloe, who was half on the bed and half on the floor.  
"Nothing," lied Rachel and locked the door, "now shut up already and go to sleep."

Chloe stared puzzled at Rachel, who straightened the curtains one more time and checked that the windows were closed and then, fully clothed, climbed into her bed, pulled the covers up to her chin and didn't say anything until the next morning.

  
  



	12. The Mill II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I am happy for you." (...)  
> "Me too."  
> One of them lied.

"Eeew, what's that?" Rachel asked, wrinkling her nose.  
"Leek orgasm," Chloe laughed, picking the vegetables as well.  
Transparent slimy threads fell into the sink.

"No seriously, I can't, this is disgusting."

Rachel washed her hands in the sink and dried them carefully, then disappeared behind the counter to look for Steph.

Chloe had offered to help, not because she really wanted to, more because Rachel wanted to come here anyway, it was school holidays and she didn't want to spend more days with the Ambers.  
Chloe thought back to the moment when they'd all danced together in matching suits at the Christmas ball. It had been one of the best nights of her life. Everyone had stared at them, that evening they had been an inseparable trio and they had just done their thing and not let anyone talk them into their place.  
They laughed and stole the show and although Chloe enjoyed it very much, she was glad when she was alone with Rachel afterward, cuddled in her arms and the whistling sound in her ears gradually subsiding.

Chloe also had a slightly guilty conscience because of the argument she had had with Steph just a few weeks earlier, and because of that, she had taken out her anger on Rachel afterwards.  
She cut the rest of the spring onions into the bowl, stirred the salad and washed her hands, she rubbed them briefly on her shirt and only then stood a little perplexed in the area, not knowing what to do next.  
Then she hesitantly began looking for Rachel.  
The various functional rooms of the old mill looked good, the last Christmas decorations had been put away and it had been swept through and mopped vigorously.  
Regular operations would resume in a few hours, the first party of the year and of course she and Rachel would be there.

As Chloe went up the stairs, she heard soft voices talking animatedly. Immediately she recognized Steph and Rachel, they sounded friendly and familiar but also as if Chloe should rather turn around and go downstairs, but she couldn't and didn't want to, if she should be honest with herself.  
Chloe glanced around, then peeked down the landing to where Steph and Rachel were leaning against a pool table.  
Rachel had taken Steph by the arm and was very close to her and Steph smiled mysteriously.  
"You're welcome"  
"No"  
"Oh come on"  
"Under no circumstance"  
"Now tell me. I'm begging you. Please. Please, please."  
"Oh, I do not know."  
"What's wrong with her?"  
"What?"  
"You heard me. Something is wrong with her."  
"She's fucking amazing Rachel!"  
"Aha! So you ARE in love after all. Well then tell me about her. Come on."  
"We've only recently gotten together, okay ?! I like her. We're getting to know each other better. End of story."  
Rachel smiled.  
"Are you happy Stephanie?"  
Steph didn't say anything, she closed her eyes for a moment. Then she opened it again.  
"Yes. Yes, of course"  
  


Chloe felt a stitch in her heart.  
She looked at Steph, who was a friend.  
She looked at Rachel, who she thought was more than a friend.  
She saw Rachel let go of Steph's arm. "I am happy for you."  
She saw Steph smile hesitantly.  
"Me too."  
One of them lied.

  
  
Chloe wanted to slap herself.  
She had no right to suspect either of them.  
She didn't want to wrong them.  
Not again.  
She turned on the heel and took two steps down the stairs, then turned, she had heard a sniff.  
Someone was crying.

Chloe stood on tiptoe.  
"Hey," Rachel said very quietly and pulled Steph into a tight hug.  
"It's okay."  
Steph looked embarrassed, she turned in Rachel's arms but Rachel didn't let up, she stroked Steph's arms and her back, rocked them back and forth and Chloe knew exactly how good that was.  
"She ... she never looks at me like the two of you do."  
Rachel looked at Steph for a moment and then - and Chloe no longer understood the world, Rachel began to cry as well.


	13. The Beach I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "(...) But you try really hard to hide it from me"

_I touch you_   
_You touch me_   
_We touch each other_   
_So that together we  
  
_

"Hey !!!!"  
Chloe snatched the journal from Rachel's hand, her eyes wide with terror.  
"What's that?" Rachel asked curiously.  
"Nothing" Wrong answer. Chloe knew the moment she opened her mouth. Crap.  
"Nothing? But you try really hard to hide it from me."  
"I'm not hiding anything, I don't need to," Chloe tried to squirm out.  
"Does that have anything to do with me?"  
"No," Chloe said a little too quickly and a little too loudly.  
Rachel grinned.  
"Is that a love letter?"  
"No." Chloe hesitated. "So ... if you want to know exactly ... it's ... um ... it's a song."  
"A song?"  
"The beginning of a song, yes."  
Chloe looked at Rachel's reaction, but Rachel just smiled.  
"Cool," she said finally. "Can I see it when it's finished?"  
"Yes," Chloe said, but she wasn't sure if the day would ever come.

Rachel put on her shoes and tied her shoelaces twice to give Chloe time to hide the journal somewhere under her bed.  
Then she took her jacket from Chloe's bed and put it on too.  
Chloe looked surprised. "What are you doing?"  
"You have to go to work right away, don't you?"  
"Oh yeah ..." Chloe pouted, she wasn't exactly a rolemodel when it came to getting to work on time.  
She'd been late the very first day, but after that she thought long and hard about crashing the truck down the cliff and begging Mom for a faster car.  
  


"Chloe ...?"  
Rachel was almost out the door, but she stopped and looked at Chloe thoughtfully, unsure of what it seemed.  
"What is it?", Chloe asked and started getting dressed too, because she was planning to leave the house with Rachel.  
"I uh, I don't want you to misunderstand what I'm telling you now and I don't want you to hear it from someone else either, so I'm just going to spit it out, okay?"

Chloe swallowed. What the fuck? That couldn't be good.  
Very slowly she opened her mouth.  
"O-kay."

"Nathan is throwing a party right before Valentine's Day."  
"No."  
"Yeah, I know. I aready assumed you don't want to go but ... but I do."  
"No."  
"Okay ... I'm not asking your permission, I'm saying that I look forward to seeing my friends again and the party is on a lot with an unsold Pan Estates property and I've seen pictures of it Chloe, this is going to be awesome."  
"Rachel ..."  
If you don't want to go, that's totally fine with me, BUT I thought, you may wanna know, that Nathan asked me if I would like to come as his date."  
Chloe's mouth fell open. She changed the color of her face from white to green to red. "Nathan ..."  
"But I told him I'd rather bring someone else ...  
"Nathan asked you ... as his date ..."  
"... and that someone is you."  
Chloe stared at Rachel, she didn't say a word.

Rachel shifted, she didn't know where to look. Her voice was very quiet, when she finally asked.  
"Chloe?"  
"Yes?"  
"Would you go there with me, please?"  
"Yes."  
  
  
  


Grumbling sourly, Chloe turned back halfway to work and decided to just go back home, but through the door she could see David and her plan was thwarted.  
She swung into her truck and shivered as she started the engine.  
Then she turned around, just like that, with no destination.

She saw Frank's RV near the beach and stopped.  
Visiting him unannounced was probably not a good idea, but she couldn't think of anything better.  
His dog, whose name she just couldn't remember, flipped its ears and growled so that Chloe stopped on the way to the door and didn't dare to go any closer.  
"Price," she heard his voice right behind her.  
"What do you want?"  
Frank looked tired but not angry.  
"Just wanted to say hi, that's all."  
Frank looked at her and sneered. "Yes, of course"  
"Shit, I'm serious okay, I don't wanna-"  
"I already told Rachel yesterday that I always want my money first, no matter how nicely any bitch says 'please' and 'thank you', however I still gave her enough party supplies for the entire herd. Now she is sending you to ask for more and-"  
"WHAT?" Chloe had screamed involuntarily.  
" _Sending_ me?"  
Frank suddenly looked very embarrassed.  
"What does that mean, man? She didn't send me. So- so she was here yesterday? That can't be, we were together all day, she stayed with me. Over night."  
"Uuh, yes, maybe it wasn't yesterday, but the day before or-"  
"What did you give her? What did she want from you? Was it for Prescott's party?"  
Chloe's drug dealer scratched his chin thoughtfully. He eyed her cautiously, as if he didn't want to reveal anything again.  
"You ... do you know about it Chloe?"  
"Uhm ... y-yes. Since this morning."  
"Okay," said Frank, walking past Chloe. He grabbed his dog by the collar, opened the door of his RV and disappeared into it.  
"Get lost," he called over his shoulder to Chloe and closed his door.

Chloe frowned, stood there stunned for a moment, then turned to go, but she hadn't taken two steps when he called her back.

"Price!"  
She looked at him.  
He did not say anything.  
"What?" Chloe asked and she was slowly getting cold again.  
"She was with you?"  
"Huh?"  
"Rachel. She slept with you?"  
"Uhh, yeah. Just like ... always actually."  
"Hmm", Frank made and seemed lost in thought, then their eyes met and he turned away and slammed the door.


	14. The Dorm Room II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For a moment, Chloe got the ridiculous thought that Rachel might have gone home without her, after barely speaking to her all evening and then-

Chloe hated this event with every fiber of her body.  
From the music, to the people, to the swanky furniture, to the outfit Rachel had told her about how good it looked on Chloe.

Rachel hadn't wasted any time since driving up here in the dark. She'd run from one to the other, talking, conspiratorially huddling up to people and whispering things to them.  
She had her handbag pressed tightly against her.

Chloe thought of the short exchange she had had with Frank and watched Rachel sit down on a couch with a boy she didn't know herself and start a conversation with him and then Dana came over, next to Rachel on the other side took a seat and put a hand on her thigh.  
She wondered why Rachel hadn't said anything to her.  
She wondered if Rachel had agreed to bring drugs to the idiots, or if she even sold them. The situation would easily give both, everyone loved Rachel and they crowded around her, as always.

It hadn't taken long before the first had completely embarrassed himself and the others were brilliantly amused about it.  
Chloe emptied her third beer and watched very casually as Nathan Prescott stroked Rachel's wrist and admired the star that Chloe had given Rachel. The one she had tattooed on her.  
She didn't come over, she didn't approach them, she let Rachel have fun, but in her head she screamed into his slimy face. "Don't touch her, let go of her hand. Don't look at her, she is here with me. But ... why is she ... here with me?"

Around midnight Chloe found herself alone at the bar, even the bartender had just thrown in the towel at some point and started dancing.  
Chloe served herself and let her eyes float over the dance floor.  
No Rachel.

She half expected to find her on the toilet, drawing a line on a toilet seat or sink. But when she entered there was no one.  
No Rachel.  
  
Chloe peered outside, a dark point in the sky announcing rain.  
'She's probably smoking right now,' thought Chloe and stepped away from the entrence.  
The cool air was a relief, it was clearing her thoughts.  
No Rachel.

For a moment, Chloe gave into the ridiculous thought that Rachel might have gone home without her, after barely speaking to her all evening and then-  
she gasped, her heart skipped a beat.  
Fuck! Shit, shit, shit!  
Rachel wasn't here.  
Nathan wasn't here.  
  


Chloe pulled her cell phone out of her pocket and dialed Rachel's number, she couldn't reach her right away, so she hung up and called again.  
Two, three, six, nine times.  
She hung up and cussed loudly, looking around in the dark to see if she really couldn't find Rachel anywhere.  
Her throat tightened. Nathan's car had been in the parking lot not far from where Chloe was right now. She couldn't see it, so it was gone.

With trembling fingers Chloe tiped Blackwell's address into her cell and lo and behold, it was only a seventeen minute walk through the woods.  
Chloe took a deep breath and started running.

Completely out of breath, sweaty and with a red head, Chloe pushed open the door to the girls' dorms.  
She crept on tiptoe to Rachel's door and heard someone moan lustfully, heard how rhythmically flesh met flesh and her stomach turned. Suddenly it was absolutely clear to her who had been listening to her and Rachel at the door a while ago and why Rachel was acting so weird lately andhad that been the plan all along? To lure her away to some property she'd never been before and and and...  
Chloe yanked the door open and stormed into the room.  
  
Nathan stared at her, his naked body wrapped around another naked body, his hands clenched in a mane of blond hair and before the girl had fully turned around, Chloe started screaming. She screamed and screamed so intense and loud that all the doors in the hallway were opened up at the same time.


	15. The Beach II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And you finally have to tell her what you feel. What you really feel. (...) "

"Right here," said Steph, pointing at the spot, her face expressionless.  
Sand crunched under Chloe's boots as she walked towards it, a small pile of empty bottles, wrapping paper.

"Rachel doesn't talk to me anymore."  
"Yeah," Steph said coldly. "I wouldn't either."  
The tears on Chloe's face had long since dried, she was pale and felt miserable, but that was still nothing compared to Stephanie Gingrich.

"How could you even believe for a second that it was her?"  
"She was in _her_ dorm room. She was in _her_ bed." Chloe swallowed hard. "She ... she was lying on top of him, I couldn't really see her face, the two were like entwined, really, I didn't even know-"  
"Enough!" Steph almost screamed. "I ... I don't think I can take it. I think I'd rather not hear it at all."  
"Steph, I am so-"  
"And I really don't want to hear _that_!"

"Steph, come on now."  
  


"She broke up with me. Right before Valentine's Day, and then she came to the party ... and that's where she went after him.  
I think she wanted to get caught but I didn't expect that. Maybe she didn't care, he definitely didn't care. "  
Steph sniffed, there were new tears in her eyes.  
"I don't think it matters any more now."

Chloe and Steph said nothing.  
They both shivered.

"And ... and you were here all night, right? You and Rachel?"  
"Yup."  
  


"Were you high? Both of you?"  
"For the first and probably last time in my life, yes. If you don't believe me, you can go and collect the bottles, here, I brought you a plastic bag, you can give Rachel's dad, he can examine them. Then he'll tell you how fresh the fingerprints are, I just don't know how he'll react to the stuff Rachel brought me. "

"It's okay," said Chloe ebarrassed and sheepishly, "I believe you."  
"She wanted to cheer me up. She wanted me to get better, feel better, BE better."  
"But are you?"  
"No."  
"Yes that is what I thought."  
"But she was really there for me. Really. It helped, if only a little."

Chloe knew exactly what kind of feeling her friend was talking about. It stung her heart.

"Looks like we're both dealing with the exact same shit."

"I highly doubt that."  
  
  


Steph looked out at the water, she let out air and closed her eyes for a moment.  
Then she took something folded out of her jacket pocket and thoughtfully smoothed it out.  
She took a deep breath and Chloe realized that Steph had planned something to say to her, something inevitable as it seemed.

"I'm going abroad Chloe. I'm finishing the school year at a different school."  
Chloe's eyes widened.  
"After that I'll travel as much as possible. There's nothing here ... nothing and no one... that's worth staying."  
Chloe didn't say anything. She understood.

Then, very slowly, Steph pushed what she was holding towards Chloe.  
"Airplane tickets. I have two. They were cheap. I can rebook them to wherever Rachel wants to go."  
"WHAT?" Chloe's voice almost cracked.  
"Yes. We'll fly out of here together. I am going to ask her if she wants to graduate online or if she wants to go to another middle school."

Chloe had stared at the sand, at her feet, but now she finally spoke up.  
"That... no, you can't do that.", She said very calmly and slowly.  
"Yes, Chloe, I'll ask her this afternoon."  
"No," Chloe suddenly felt panicked, as if she finally had to speak plainly, especially to herself.  
"She can't come with you, you can't take her with you. That ... that was my dream. Our dream."  
"Well," said Steph, sounding just as cold as before. "Sometimes dreams stay just that, just dreams."

Chloe kicked a few stones away from her, and they landed in the water with a soft splash.

"Steph", an almost pleading tone was now in Chloe's voice. "I love Rachel. You can't take her with you no matter what you have planned."  
Steph looked up, she was looking directly at Chloe. "You have a strange way of showing that love."  
"I... know"

"I don't care that Rachel isn't in love with me. I still treat her better than you. We'll just travel as friends."

Chloe wanted to leave, wanted to let Steph behind her, but not before she had punched her, but the next moment Chloe began to bob on her feet and she suppressed heavy sobs with all her might.  
"I can't ... and I don't want to be without her. I love her. I promised to get her out of here and I want out of here myself. Without her I don't have a chance. Without her I will jump in front of a train sooner or later. "

Steph was silent.  
With her feet she drew lines in the sand that she dared not cross. But Chloe did.

“You have to realize,” said Steph after what felt like an eternity, “that Rachel doesn't feel like this nonsense anymore.  
You want to achieve something, you want something specific to happen? Then go and make it come true! Rachel won't wait forever.  
And Chloe? "  
"Yes?"  
"You have to treat her better and you have to trust her. You have to realize that there will be sad little lesbians like me all over the world. There are also spoiled rich guys all over the world who imagine themselves fucking Rachel Amber , you have to stand over it, otherwise it will never work.

Chloe just nodded, her throat tightened.

"And you finally have to tell her what you feel. What you really feel.  
Not what you think she is feeling or what you're afraid of what she might be feeling. "

They walked side by side in silence.

After a while, when they reached the end of the beach, Chloe turned to Steph.  
"Uhm ... well ... Rachel doesn't talk to me anymore. How should I ... how should I ...?"  
"Leave that to me," said Steph, lifting her chin.  
"By the way, you have to fill in for me. I can no longer go to the mill, I quit my job and my... ex is there too. I have fifteen minutes on stage next Friday at the open mike night. So I am counting on you."

Chloe stared at Steph. "No what? No! I can't ... I have nothing ... no, Steph!"

"Just bring your guitar and every song you already know." Steph turned away and disappeared into the bushes nearby.

Chloe was frozen in place, wondering if she was still sane, and then a shudder overcame her.  
She only had a few days left until the open mike night and she would have to make the best of them.


	16. I prevail (I)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (...)  
> Now it's too late and you're leaving with her or not... maybe if I'm brave, maybe if I'm lucky. Maybe, if I'm not an ass- this time'

_  
Two days until o.p.... fuck!  
Guitar next to me  
My finger tips hurt already, played for eight hours straight  
Step dick bursted in, wanting to smash it over my head  
I stare holes into my ceiling, thinking about ~~her~~ , you  
It's all about you.  
You, always you. All the time.  
  
You touch me  
I touch you  
Together we touch each other_

_  
_ 'Ah fuck, all of this fucking sucks so hard. I'm gonna staph pretending to be a fricking songwriter. This is pointless anyway.  
  
  
Or wait, could I... where are my head phones?' _  
  
  
  
***** Used to stare at my bedroom ceiling**_  
**_Wishing everything could change. ***  
  
  
_**'Yes, why not? Yes!!! Maybe- if it's just me and one guitar... and just this song or maybe two or three.  
I prevail.  
She likes it. She would, if I told her, if she could see, but she won't and I sure as fuck won't tell her...'

_***** You don't know what you got until you throw it all awyay.***** _

_I dont know how many more pages I can wet with my tears before they tear like my heart._  
_Fuck! -That's actually a good lyric.  
_  
'Never mind'  
  


_***** I don't belong here**_  
  
_**I don't belong here**_  
  
_**I don't belong *****_  
  
  
  
'I sure as fuck don't. We shoud have fucking left when we had the chance to.  
Now it's too late and you're leaving with her or not... maybe if I'm brave, maybe if I'm lucky. Maybe, if I'm not an ass- this time'  
  
  
  
_***** All the time I wasted. ***  
  
**_  
_Im glad it doesn't say 'we wasted' because it's not a waste, whenever I am with you._  
_It doesn't fuking matter what we do._  
  
  
  
  
_***** Some days I feel I can't take the pain. ***  
  
  
**_'Since it's now after midnight, I only have one more day until open mike night.  
I'm so fucked.  
Maybe I really should just take this stupid journal and play anything and everything I wrote in here, well, the songs at least.  
All these fuckers there don't get access to my brain. I promised Steph though...'  
  
  
  
  


_It's 2 am, I am still listening to I prevail and my fingers couldn't be more tired, but I have to make this right._  
_I have to tell Rachel what I really feel. I have to tell Rachel... what I honestly really feel._  
_For her. Through song._

_***** 'cause I don't belong here. ***** _

* * *

"Oh, I don't know Stephanie, I thought you didn't want to go there anymore."  
"You misunderstood me, I don't necessarily want to meet certain people there, especially a person who is no longer part of my life, but before we leave I want to stop by. The open mike night will be really cool I think .  
You don't want to miss that and you can say goodbye to everyone ... there are sure to be some people from school. "  
"Yeah, maybe ... uhh, I don't know. I don't really care about any of them."  
"Come on, go there with me."

Rachel brushed her hair behind her ear several times.  
"Uhm, ... we- we're going there as friends, right?"  
"Yes of course."  
"OK..."  
"And ... well, as for our departure afterwards ..."  
"Did you change your mind?"  
"It's so sudden and ..."  
"You don't want to."  
"I definitely want to, and it's wonderful that you bought me a ticket, so... surprising... and that I can come with you, just ..."  
"Yes?"  
"Well, I've been thinking about how to tell my parents for the last few days and realized that that's not the problem at all ... I just don't know how ..."  
"Chloe?"

Rachel closed her eyes and sighed.  
"Yes."  
"Leave that to me," said Steph and Rachel looked at her suspiciously.  
Steph held her gaze and Rachel finally gave in and asked "What time are we going?"


	17. I prevail (II)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Take me back there"

_And our eyes met_   
_In the middle of the crowd_

_Our hearts had met a long time ago_   
_Their beating can no longer be denied._

_You inspired me, woke me up, breathed life into me, saved me_   
_You teased me and loved me and trusted me and saw me._   
_When I hated myself too much, you allowed me to hate everyone else instead_   
_Everyone except you_

_And our eyes met_   
_In the middle of the crowd_

_Our hearts had met a long time ago_   
_Their beating can no longer be denied_

  
_I kissed you, adored you, pushed you away in the dark_   
_I told you about my dreams and my fears and my desires_   
_When you lost yourself too much, I found you._   
_I never wanted to find anyone but you._

  
_And our eyes met_   
_In the middle of the crowd_

_Our hearts had met a long time ago_   
_Their beating can no longer be denied._

  
_We planned together, buried a deer together_   
_We cried and laughed together_   
_We hurt each other and loved each other_

_I touch you-_   
_You touch me-_   
_Together we touch each other._

_Our eyes will always find each other, no matter how big the crowd is._

* * *

Dear Chloe,

hopefully this letter finds you well. I usually send messages as you know, but I was very touched by the song you wrote for yourself and Rachel about how your gazes met there in the mill.  
  
I was reminded that this place is where you actually first met, besides school of course.  
  
I am on a tour through Europe and Ireland is next on my list. When I am back, I'll teach you two how to river dance (jk)  
  
Rachel told me in he last email that you are now officially a thing. Congrats!  
She also told me about your plans moving in with her relatives in California. Congrats again.  
  
Let me know, if and when you'll be around for your dance lessons.

Just the best,

Steph G.

* * *

  
  
"Short, that letter she wrote you back there."  
"Yep, she writes you much longer messages."  
"Well, what can I say, she just loves me more than you."  
"Oh, fuck you."  
"After that beautiful song you wrote for me, you can bet your pretty ass, I'll do exactly that."

Chloe laughed and brushed Rachel's hair back from her face, then pulled out her cell phone and stretched her arm out so that she could get a picture of Rachel, who was sitting on her lap and herself, as advantageously as possible.

"I've been writing this shitty song for a long time."  
"It's wonderful. I still can't believe you started writing it right after you performed."  
"Performed ??! You can hardly call it that, I just stomped around and hoped that I wouldn't piss my pants in front of everyone."

Rachel grinned, she was still deeply touched by what Chloe had done, knowing well what it must have cost her to overcome. She rested her head on Chloe's neck and formed her lips in a kiss.

"Take me back there," she whispered.  
Chloe smiled.  
"Okay, one more time", but she knew that they would both remember the day of the open mike night again and again and that they would tell each other about the events of the evening long afterwards.


	18. I prevail (III)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chloe looked at each one individually, but couldn't see a face.  
> She went in and told them what she felt, what she really felt.

The old mill has never felt so full. Chloe felt an urgent need to close her eyes and press against the wall, but there weren't any, just these drums ... cool thing actually.

Her throat felt dry and hot, and she wondered exactly why she was doing this.  
Steph would be leaving soon. The thought of disappointing her made her sick.  
She saw Rachel's face with huge, sad eyes.  
She thought of the deer she had killed, thought of how they had buried it.  
She thought of Rachel's injuries, the slashed arm, and then the wounds Chloe had left.  
She swallowed blood, she had bitten her lower lip very hard without even realizing it.  
The kiss under the mistletoe at Christmas. Rachel had purposely stopped underneath and waited for Chloe.  
Steph had actually stopped next to her, but when she saw the mistletoe and Rachel's raised eyebrows, she continued walking.  
Chloe's hands started to shake ...

The blonde hair, the startled look and then the laugh.  
That strange girl, Chloe, had found out her name and then immediately forgot it.  
'The ex' she called her in her head, she had Chloe wired, nested around her ass to be able to attach the microphone.  
Chloe hadn't met her eyes, she had stared at her tits, not bad but Rachel's were prettier and firmer.  
Chloe grinned at the thought.  
A guy with long hair grinned back ... oh shit, that wasn't her intention, she was staring into nothing. Then the light was dimmed.  
The guitar in Chloe's hands was moving, it was shaking, weird thing. Oh no. Only her hands moved, trembled. But she was weird too.

"I- well I uh-" a high-pitched whistle from the overdrive of the microphone shocked the crowd, someone booed somewhere.  
"S-sorry," Chloe stammered. She couldn't see anything, she would probably throw up in a moment.  
A disco ball spun slowly and shiny over her head, Chloe pleaded that the thing would fall on her head and kill her, but it didn't.  
Pairs of eyes she couldn't see were directed at her.  
Chloe felt empty and strangely numb, but she could also feel the big pimple on her shoulder, it was definitely full and would burst while she played, maybe then everyone would be so disgusted that they would leave.  
She would be left on stage alone with nothing but an empty pick, her guitar, and her shame. But no, of course not, more people entered the mill, at least one more person, looked small from up here, mixed in with the crowd, came a little closer. 'Yes,' thought Chloe, 'come closer to see this shit how'.  
"Come on now," shouted from somewhere in the crowd.  
Chloe wished the guy who had cracked jokes on stage earlier was here again. Stand up comedy, maybe she should have done that but she didn't want to be the clown in front of these idiots.  
She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, the grip on her guitar tightening.

"So ..., so this is a song, a ... so ... so this first song is uh, is uhm, so ..." Chloe's voice trembled, her hands were wet with sweat and slipped over the strings.  
She didn't know any words, she couldn't fucking speak, but she knew the words to the song. Fuck it all.  
A dead deer, a cheating ex girlfriend and an exploding pimple couldn't stop her. Maybe after this, she should leave the country too.  
She thought of the flowery smell of Rachel's hair, a flutter in her heart and without opening her eyes, her fingers started playing the gitar ad with every "I don't belong here" she sang, she actually meant it, but she actually didn't give a fuck anymore, there was no one here she cared about, and if she blew it, so be it.

She played the song by I prevail and silently thanked her Dad for buying her a used guitar, for teaching her, for believing in her, she thanked Max, who played with her and then took over, she thanked Steph, who made her do this under the most fucked up circumstances and she thanked Rachel, who loved this kind of music and who had told her, she'd look hot on stage and she felt hot, hot but in a good way, hot but not bothered, hot but strong, because they were singing with her, she could see people like shadows dancing.  
Just the one person, tiny and less of a shadow, stood there, just stood there, face turned towards her, without actually moving.

Chloe ended the song by adding a solo without singing, she checked the timer set in the stage, she had time.  
She looked over to the booth for the stage manager to see Steph's ex and saw-  
STEPH!  
Stephanie Gingrich stood next to her ex, uh ex (??) girlfriend, they had hooked one another and swayed to the music.

When Steph saw Chloe's gaze, she grinned and gave her a thumbs up.  
Chloe swallowed. Steph was here and she liked what Chloe was doing.  
Then she stopped playing abruptly and the crowd wanted more, they clapped and shouted.  
The small shadow was already moving further forward, the elbows slightly extended, through the crowd, even closer to the stage, now the shadow was no longer so small.  
'Are you impressed?' thought Chloe and laughed at her new courage 'or are you just trying to scare me?'  
The shadow had stopped, facing her, she couldn't see the face, but she would tell the shadow a story.  
She looked at the timer again, then at Steph.

"I'm going to play another song for you now, just this one and then I'll get my ass down here.  
I have not written it but it speaks from my soul, I mean really from my soul.  
I've listened to it with this girl many times. She has become my center, the center of my universe.  
I would like to say I would die for her, but the truth is, I almost killed her instead.  
She is the best person I know, she is wonderful and she is so beautiful.  
She also likes this song. She has no idea that I can play it. She has no idea that I wrote, almost wrote, a song that sounds something like that.  
But because I fucked up, she'll never hear either.  
I'm an idiot but I think I ... well, no, I know she's my muse and she's the reason I actually get out of bed and ... and ... I love her.  
She doesn't know. Not really that I really love her, really, so fucking Bollywood with dancing and a lot of singing and so, so cheesy, romantic comedy style.  
I love her.  
She doesn't know, so that's okay, but you know now. "

Nobody said a word.  
Chloe was stared at from all sides as if she were an awe-inspiring person or a bomb about to detonate, an accident.  
The little shadow seemed frozen, not moving a bit, its head turned up on Chloe.

Chloe looked at each one individually, but couldn't see a face.  
She went in and told them what she felt, what she really felt.  
  
  


* * *

  
I'm a ghost in your eyes  
A shadow you can't seem to recognize  
I have a thought of you for every, star in the sky  
But I'm scared,  
I'll never cross your mind  
Yeah, I'm scared  
Will our stars ever align?  
Will two hearts, beat in time?  
  
  
These words you should always remember,  
To you, my heart I surrender  
Chasing love that can never be mine  
Maybe one day you'll realize  
These words you should always remember,  
To you, my heart I surrender  
  
  
And I can't count the times  
I stayed awake pretending you were mine  
Now I'm left here with this emptiness inside,  
Why can't I make you mine?  
Will our stars ever align?  
Will two hearts, beat in time?  
  
  
These words you should always remember,  
To you, my heart I surrender  
Chasing love that can never be mine  
Maybe one day you'll realize  
  
  
These words you should always remember,  
To you, my heart I surrender  
Will our stars ever align?  
Will two hearts, beat in time?  
  
  
These words you should always remember,  
To you, my heart I surrender  
Chasing love that can never be mine  
Maybe one day you'll realize  
  
  
These words you should always remember,  
To you, my heart I surrender

* * *

They sang with her, they swayed, they- cried?  
The little shadow was crying and while the little shadow was crying, Chloe reached the end of the song, she played, her fingers caressed the strings of her guitar, she put her heart into this instrument, lived through this song, wanted to be heard, understood, felt.  
The disco ball had stopped spinning, Chloe checked the timer, the time hadn't run out yet.  
Her fingers continued to play, but her eyes sought Steph.  
She was not there.

And then the spotlight that had previously only illuminated Chloe parted and immersed the small shadow that was now directly in front of the stage, very close, in glistening fiery red light.

Rachel was standing down there with tearful eyes and no longer looked small. She looked up at her, trembling and visibly moved.  
She was here, she had come. She had been here all along. Here with her, with Chloe.  
And Steph had known that.

The spotlight moved around the stage and Rachel followed it until it stopped right in front of Chloe and Rachel was right in front of Chloe.  
Chloe's hands started to shake again, she wanted to continue playing, but it was impossible, she couldn't take her eyes off Rachel, wanted to look at her, wanted to tell her again ...  
"I didn't know you felt this way."  
Chloe slowly put down the guitar.  
"Don't you think anything is possible tonight?"  
"Maybe. Since we danced here for the very first time, I've wanted to-"  
"tell you I love you"

Rachel blinked away her tears and laughed. "Be your groupie, but yeah .. that too."  
And then she pushed the microphone stand aside and kissed Chloe.

Under other circumstances, Chloe would have flipped off the roaring and cheering crowd, but her hands were otherwise busy and words that had become a song became actions that became a confession.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'A shadow you can't seem to recognize' - I hope you enjoyed this work, that was commissioned and partly written by the lovely Stretch802.  
> I sure as hella loved writing it, with it's twists and turns and getting to know a band and their songs I never heard before.
> 
> Take care, stay safe and tell people what you feel - what you really feel.


End file.
